Do you ever feel kinda crappy about yourself and it sends you into a major downward spiral? Yeah. Same. What often happens is that we have a thought or two (or fifty) that compare us to others and we come up short… then we think that having those thoughts mean that they’re true and off we go.

If I’m having crappy thoughts about myself, that must mean that I am crappy. That’s at least how it feels in the moment when your emotions are confirming every negative sentence that passes through your mind. And when your brain gets a suspicion, like “hmm I wonder if I’m shitty”, it’ll start comparing you even more. Especially to those you find more attractive, more intelligent, sexier, and more fun than you. Because our brains love evidence.

My brain does this too.

The past couple of days I’ve felt myself sink deeper and deeper into the comparison trap. And meanwhile, I’m watching it all unfold from “above.” I can observe myself and what my brain is doing and I just think it’s sad… I wish I didn’t do this from time to time, but I don’t think it’s possible to ever fully stop.

However… I have noticed something important that I want to share with you.

Poor little passive me

What I notice when I’m in the comparison trap, is that my focus is 100% on other girls and who my boyfriend thinks is the most attractive, fun, sexy, blah blah blah. The only focus I have on myself is when thinking that I’m not good enough.

My boyfriend grows and grows and grows until his opinion is my entire universe (okay a little exaggerated, but you get the feeling right?). All that matters, is what he thinks about me and other women. He is the king. The God. The Almighty.

I am just a passive thing in the world that he is supposed to have an opinion about.

I end up only being here to please him and make him choose me.

I have an identity, damn it!

The thing that made me realize this unhealthy focus was actually what made me feel a bit better. I noticed that when I was doing something for myself… I felt better. I’m not talking about a face mask and some scented candles. I’m talking about focusing on a hobby. Shifting my focus to what I have going on in my life. Focusing on who I am. Giving myself my identity back.

The more things I did that actually gave me an identity and made me feel like my own person, the less crappy I felt. The less my comparison brain would bring up ways in which I suck. The more of a person I got to be in my own mind, the less importance other women played in my world.

This is not a cure for comparison, low self-esteem, jealousy, etc… But I think it shows an important shift that you can start working on even when you’re feeling like shit.

You can become an individual, boost your identity, and remember that you are a person in this world, even when you’re feeling anxious or sad.

Take action to level the playing field in your own mind. Take your partner off their pedestal and acknowledge that you are an active participant in your own life.

The less you are just an object for your partner to have an opinion about, the less of a threat other women are going to be. We are not passive objects. We are human beings. With unique identities, feelings, hobbies, qualities, and strengths.

So if you are currently feeling awful about yourself… I want you to observe how much of an identity you’re allowing yourself to have. Are you a person in this story, or are you a passive object waiting for your partner’s approval?