When you are used to hating all the females due to jealousy, it can be very difficult to identify when you just don’t like someone. It’s completely normal to not be a fan of all the humans, so naturally, there will be females you’re not a fan of as well.
If you were single, there would be women you like and women you’re not a huge fan of. We don’t click with everyone, and that’s okay. But if you’re a grumpy, jealous girlfriend you might think that all of your “disliking” of various women is a sign of your jealousy. Evidence of your lacking self-love and flawed character.
With this post, I want to give you permission to just not like some people. Yes, it is important to clean up your jealousy and make sure you’re not taking it out on them or your partner. But I want you to see that even when you have let go of the jealousy, you’re not going to love everyone.
There will be women in your partner’s life (relatives, friends, coworkers, exes) that you like and that you don’t. Right now, a lot of your opinions might be formed by insecurity and jealousy, but not all of them. You might just not vibe with these ladies. Or they might be insecure or jealous of you and therefore treat you poorly. Who knows.
So how should you deal with women who show up in your life more or less regularly that you just don’t like? Here’s my advice:
Get clear on why you don’t like them
This is not as black and white as it can seem. You’re going to want to explore all the reasons why you don’t like this person and make sure you like your reasons. Once you see the reasons in front of you, you might realize that some of it is related to jealousy and insecurity on your part… and some of it is related to who they are and how they act. This is normal.
Your work is dealing with your jealousy and not projecting your insecurities on to this person. But you also get to not like how they act or treat your or your partner. That is okay.
The next time you are around her, it will feel like a relief knowing that you don’t have to hate her to stay safe and protect yourself. No more wasting energy on hating her just to make yourself feel better or prevent your partner from liking her. BUT. You then you get to just not like her like any other human being on the planet that you don’t really like.
Who are you when you don’t like someone
As I’ve said countless times already, it’s OKAY not to like everyone. But that doesn’t make it a good idea to treat others poorly or show up as a lesser version of yourself because of it.
I don’t care about her, I don’t care about what she thinks, I don’t care about her relationship with your partner. I care about you. Who you are and how you show up when you are around her or she comes up in conversation.
I love the ultra-cliché quote that ships don’t sink because of the water around them, but because of the water that gets in them. This lady has no power over you unless you invite her into your brain and into your emotions and then act on how you feel.
Completely separate from this person, I want you to ask yourself who you want to be with you do not like someone. How do you show up? How do you speak to them? How do you speak of them?
How you show up is in control and this is what says something about you.
Your instinct might be to take every chance you get to push them down and talk shit about them. But that’s just your insecurities controlling you. How you show up and how you treat them is what dictates who you are. You don’t get brownie points for making someone else look worse.
Don’t expect your partner to agree
One of our most human traits is wanting to be a part of the larger group. To never be singled out or rejected, because then… well… we die. So when we see an opportunity to bond with people over a shared like or dislike, we’ll take it.
You are going to want your partner to agree with you about this. You are going to want to bond with your partner over your dislike of this person. And if your partner disagrees or god forbid enjoys spending time with this person, it’ll feel like you’re being singled out. Rejected from the pack.
It will feel awful.
But you’re not in danger. Your partner is allowed to disagree with you. And it might not always be so black and white. You have your reasons for not liking this person and your partner might even agree with those. But perhaps it’s not a dealbreaker for your partner the way it is for you. Perhaps your partner doesn’t mind enjoying time with people who are the way this person is.
I want you to actively respect your partner’s right to their own opinion.
It’s going to require feeling very uncomfortable and hearing a lot of catastrophic, offended, pissed off thoughts in your mind while you work through it. Not a problem.
You can still love and trust your partner even if you don’t share the same opinions about all the people.
The bottom line is that you’re allowed to not like her. And don’t tell anyone I told you this, but you’re even allowed not to like her because of jealousy. No one can take that away from you. Just make sure you always keep your own best interest at heart.
When would it be a good idea to work on this and when is it not a big deal to just let it be?
first of all I would like to say that in your every post or article I can see myself. Sometimes I just think you are writing my own story(: I would like to say thank you for everything you are doing cause it is helping me to cope with my own problems and insecurities.
When it comes to an article ”how to deal with females you just don’t like” I can again reflect it to my story about one particular girl that is always around my boyfriend. For a long time I was fighting that feeling and sometimes I just thought how easy would it be if they never met. This article helped me in a way that I understood that it’s just not my problem…that actually a lot of girls are struggling with the same issue. My problem is actually that the same girl is flirting with my boyfriend but on the other hand she is acting so polite and friendly towards me – basically trying to be a friend with me. That’s even more confusing to my brain. Do you have any advice on that?
P.S. our boyfriends seems like similar guys based on everything you tell in the podcast about your own insecurities and triggers that are causing you to feel the way you feel (Instagram followers, chores in the household, extremly outgoing etc.)
P.P.S. sorry for my English. even though I am dating an American, it’s still not that great(:
Greetings from Croatia,
P.P.S. sorry for my English
Hey! I’m so glad you like these posts. 😀
What I want to offer you is that it might not be her and what she’s doing that IS confusing. What if it’s your thoughts about her and what she’s doing that is confusing you? Can you find any thoughts you’re thinking that could cause confusion? If you can, question why you’re choosing to confuse yourself about it. Are there any other thoughts you’d rather think about it? What do you want to think about her? You are allowed to chose an interpretation that isn’t confusing and then act based on that. And if you get more information in the future, you’re allowed to change that interpretation accordingly. 🙂