Obviously, we are never knowingly wrong about things we believe to be true. We might be able to question them or be undecided… but if we believe something it’s because we actually, somewhere, deep down believe it to be true. But hindsight is 20/20! So today, I want to share with you 5 things I was wrong about as a grumpy girlfriend.
Enjoy this trip down my grumpiness memory lane.
1. Doing anything for my boyfriend is a red flag
I had consumed so much content and so many opinions about man-children, women who mother their partners, and not taking on more than your share of the responsibilities at home that it was driving me insane. I started getting upset about everything, saw everything as a sign of him being a man-child, and I had just stopped giving altogether. It was making me miserable.
When I learned that no amount of giving was dangerous, toxic, or a red flag, as long as I chose to do it, I liked my reasons, and it was never at my own expense… a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
What happened when I relaxed a little and started doing the things I wanted to do for my boyfriend, my brain also started to notice all the things he was doing for himself, for us, and for me. I started to see all the things that I had completely dismissed or ignored when my brain was on “prove that he’s a man-child” duty.
2. I need to protect my boyfriend from his own choices in life
This was a big one for me. And it stretched from getting upset on his behalf if he didn’t have a lunch box to bring to work the following day (because then he’ll be hungry???? Hellooooo???) to not wanting him to be around other girls because what if he accidentally starts liking them and cheats or leaves me?
Here are a few beliefs that helped me get over this thought error:
- If it’s not a problem for my boyfriend, it’s not a problem (concerning his lunches at work)
- If my boyfriend is uncomfortable in some way because of a choice he has made, that is okay
- I don’t have to protect him from all challenges or struggles in life
- Who am I to take his life experience away from him?
- He is capable of making his own decisions
- If another girl does something with him without his consent, that is harassment or abuse
- If he does consent that is his choice and not something I need to, should, or can prevent
3. My boyfriend’s solo-sex life has to do with me
AKA if my partner masturbates that means that I’m not good enough.
I want to say this loud and clear so you hear me: YOUR SEX LIFE WITH YOUR PARTNER(S) AND YOUR SEX LIFE WITH YOURSELF ARE TWO DIFFERENT, INDEPENDENT, AND EQUALLY IMPORTANT THINGS.
I felt so threatened and panicked about the thought that my partner would ever masturbate that I could literally never relax. It was all I would think about. And it made me miserable. Which is so ironic because my solo-sex life had absolutely nothing to do with him. But my brain clearly didn’t care about that.
Today, I just view solo sex and partner sex as two completely different things. Both important. Both valuable. Both 100% allowed.
4. What I want is more important than what my boyfriend wants
I was completely oblivious to this belief during my grumpy girlfriend years. I was constantly bulldozing over my boyfriend’s wants, needs, and desires because my emotions were more intense, more uncomfortable, and more urgent to fix.
For a long time, I viewed it as his responsibility to fix my negative emotions. If I feel bad, he’s clearly done something wrong and now he needs to fix it by changing his behaviors and habits. It didn’t even cross my mind that his wants and needs were important too and that I actually could learn to manage my negative emotions on my own.
And just to be clear, we’re not talking about healthy compromise here. We’re talking about “you need to do it my way or else” kind of behavior. Since I didn’t have the tools to manage my craziness on my own, I wasn’t capable of compromising or learning to be okay with things.
5. Happy girlfriends have partners who do everything they want them to
I seriously think I believed this to be true. Or some form of “happy girlfriends have perfect partners who never make mistakes, never have bad habits, and never interact with other women.” And if, by some chance, there’s a girlfriend out there who doesn’t have a perfect partner and she is still happy… then she either doesn’t care about the relationship or she’s just dumb. Too dumb to see the threats and dangers.
And I definitely didn’t want to be dumb and naive, so I made sure to see all the problems everywhere all the time and worked on making my boyfriend into one of those perfect partners that would allow me to finally be a happy, relaxed girlfriend.
You can imagine my 😮 face when I realized that I can be that girlfriend without my partner being perfect all of the time. That happy girlfriends aren’t happy because their partners “make them happy.” They are happy because of how they think, feel, and show up in their lives and relationships.
Do you relate to some of these beliefs?
You’re not alone. They are recurring among all the grumpy girlfriends that I work with. But now that I’m out on the other side I can see so clearly how wrong these beliefs are. I still understand the logic behind them and why I believed them to be true… but I’m so glad I don’t live by them anymore.
If you want to learn how to let go of these toxic misconceptions and finally learn to enjoy your good relationship, click the image below to read more about my private coaching program and submit your application today!